5 Reasons why Nicholas Cage should be my boyfriend

1. THE FILMS! OH GOD THE FILMS!

Every film that Nick Cage is in is fantastic in its own ridiculous way. The storylines sound like they were concocted in a meth lab and the dialogue generally sounds like the combination of a five year old and a tourettes sufferer. The characters are terrible, the women are degraded and the unthinkable always happens. Even in good quality films, such as Kick Ass or The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Nick Cage gives it his personal ReNicholas stamp to make assure you it will not disappoint.

2. When he loses his shit.

Whatever the film, whatever the storyline, Nick Cage will do what he does best - Go bat shit crazy. I probably have inflicted this video on you before, but if I haven't, prepare for the best 4 minutes 14 seconds of your life. This man has so much soul. I also own most of the films these extracts come from and I can assure that, in context, the outbursts make... absolutely no sense whatsoever.




3. Lines that you can only get away in a film starring him.

I am a film buff and a literary snob, and I am not afraid to admit it. Film and television with terribly dialogue, books that are written terribly make me die inside. But Nick Cage could be Christian Grey and I would read that damn book and watch the film on a loop over and over again. Dear Movie Gods - PLEASE cast Nicholas Cage as Christian Grey. It would be the best decision you ever made.

"You see this here femur? It belonged to your daughter"
"Two Roger's don't make a right"
"What's in the bag? A shark or something?"
"HAGGIS"
"How in the name if Zeus's butt hole did you get out of your cell?!"
"FUCKING HANGERS"
"Have you ever been dragged the pavement until your PISSED BLOOD"
"HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!?!?!"
"I never derobe before opening fire."

I could go on.

4. The way you can measure the greatest of one of his film on the awfulness of his wig.

Don't believe me? Check out pictures of his films, the more terrible the wig, the more terrible frigging awesome the film.

5. Dying like no man can.

Whether it's by a chip fryer to the face, or as a sacrifice to the honey Gods. This man dies in style. And he won't die quietly. What's more, he doesn't always stay dead, and his return is majestic and fantastic. SOMETIMES he's already dead. Is there anything he can't do?!

Batman - A review

*S-s-s-s-s-spoiler Alert*
Do not read if you haven't watch the film yet. If you do you only have yourself to blame.

Definitely an amazing film. No dull parts. Really interesting use of sound and music too; particularly with the kid singing at the football match. Amazing special effects, and so glad they didn't bother with 3D because there is genuinely no need in a film like this. The story/FX balance was just right, and I salute the film for this. A lot of people have said it isn't as good as the previous Batman film, and opinion with which, with the distinct lack of Heath Ledger, I am inclined to agree. It had a lot more story than the first one, which was good in its own right. I think that you can view this film as its own product,  like with the new Charlie and the Chocolate factory - it is different to the first one, and it only becomes bad, or poor, through comparison, which is not necessarily fair.

I do think it needed a bit more... something. A lot of it was very generic action movie stuff, which yep, it builds tension, there's a few twists to throw you off course but it wasn't quite special enough owing to the effort that has gone into this movie's production. I also found a lot of it was reminiscent of its surroundings. We have the riots of the poor against the rich, there are terrorists, and the scene in the football stadium I'm sure would be eerily too close to home for those poor people in that cinema in Denver (although obviously there is no link there). Then we have the Chilean minors in the buried police officers; and there was something very Mrs. Weasley about the come back of the Commissioner ("That's my city you bitch, BOOM"). The ending was also a remake of the latest Sherlock Holmes.

It also need a lot more Batman. I don't know who else feels the same, but I feel utterly mis-sold by the title of the film. High points for me were some amazing performances from Mr. Can-do-no-wrong Gordon-Levitt, and Michael Caine. Anne Hathaway definitely came out of her shell too and her nemesis/lover dynamic with Bruce worked really well. Brucey himself though; what a self indulgent little shit. I'm sorry but all this moody angst was just not what I wanted from the hero of this movie. I appreciate that he's resurrecting an old and dead part of himself but he really could have done it with less of a fuss. And yes, you should have sacrificed yourself, but you should be the selfless hero and you just weren't and that makes me sad.

The ending however was amazing. I was too slow to click that JGL would be Robin, but couldn't think of anyone better for the role.

I will end this review with a small rant about Marion Cotillard. Yes I appreciate that this is your second, or perhaps even third or fourth language, but woman, PLEASE, enunciate! I also appreciate that for 99% of the film your role was to be pointless, naked and flouncy but that is no excuse for mulching through words like "necessary" and whatever else you said that I simply couldn't catch. Luckily most of it was pointless so it didn't take much from the overall impact of the film. I've even seen you in other films where you display the ability to speak. All I can imagine is she was told to mumble while her character was being deceptive so when she reveals her true identity as the villain you think "Ah that explains her lack of communication then".
Same goes from Tom Hardy. Tone down on the echo boys, it was very difficult to understand him and he was far too posh to have been lived in a hole in the ground and to possess monstrous strength.

Overall, 4 stars. Bravo.

Ted - A Review

I saw Ted yesterday and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. Usually things like this are super hyped up and everyone tells me how hilarious it is, so I don't find it funny as a result.

Luckily for the producers of Ted, fat children being punched in the face and inappropriate jokes about hookers and poo do actually crack me up. However it did fall into the awkward category with scenes that lasted way longer than necessary, but less so than Borat or Bridesmaids so I wouldn't hold it against the film as a whole.

The whole film was well put together, the old British guy voice over making it seem like a Christmas story set the tone just right for the rest of the film. Plus before the bear became Peter Griffin it was super cute. I have mixed feelings about Mila Kunis. Mostly because she looked way too pristine for a film like this, making her seem more like a Megan Fox wannabe, when Kunis is actually a reasonably talented actress (Also had no idea she did the voice for Meg in Family Guy until just now...). Her ridiculous make up having just got out the shower and when she had woken up, combined with her stroppy attitude to Ted made her a really unlikeable character which she's really not supposed to be. You should be able to sympathise with her that her boyfriend was obsessed with his Teddy Bear; but she came across so tarty I just felt she was being unreasonable.

I did enjoy Mark Wahlberg, mostly his very slight Boston accent. It made him better looking because he was a bit more rough around the edges than what you would expect from your average movie star/Mila Kunis's boyfriend type of person.

Overall the film made me laugh out loud, it made me cry and I would definitely watch it again. I give it 3.5 stars.

The Amazing Spiderman: A Review.

Okay I'm new at this (not at having opinions, writing reviews) but here goes nothing.

So I saw the New and Improved Amazing Spiderman on Friday. I just realised I just summed up my entire review in three words there. New and Improved. Having also watched the original Toby Maguire version to confirm my suspicions, I can confirm that whilst a very different film, it is superior in almost every way. 

Toby Maguire is adorable; but the original Spiderman is much more of a RomCom. Which is fine because he starts by narrating that it's all about this girl. So fair game to them - they wrote it that way.

The Amazing Spiderman however takes the superhero thing seriously; and is far more in line with the quality of films such as The Avengers or The Dark Knight; Special effects, dialogue, general character development etc.

Andrew Garfield. Wow. I could write a blog just about him but it would probably turn into erotic fan fiction so I think I'll try and steer clear. He makes an amazingly awkward American teenager. I loved that he wasn't made to be super geeky and stereotyped, it was just there and obviously without cheesy props and costume. With far more depth once you learn what happened to his parents and his connection to Oscorp. His relationship with his Aunt and Uncle is also far more convincing; and the death of Uncle Ben had me inconsolable for a good ten minutes of the film: powerful stuff. It also makes his transition from vengeful, spider bitten, hormonal teen, into responsible hero much more believable and heart wrenching. And as much as I love the upside down rain-kiss with MJ in the original, give me that kiss with AG and Emma Stone on the balcony any day. Such passion, and again, much more convincing.

Not being a comic book geek I can only guess, but I assume the process of him becoming Spiderman was more true to the comic, and making the web dispensers himself is also part of that. The transition is also hilarious; subtle but brilliant. Less convincing however is Peter Parker's first mask. Probably my only criticism of the film - but come on, don't film him sewing something red together then just stick him in a morph suit mask! Those things are everywhere, no one is being fooled here. At least Toby Maguire's looked like something he'd sewn himself as a prototype.

I am also a big Emma Stone fan, she's funny and beautiful and has a wonderful way of putting herself across. My only concern is that she's a little bit of a one trick pony; she wasn't really any different to Olive in Easy A. But whatever it is she's doing is working because I just love her. Although - ditch the blonde, love, you make a much better red head! Don't go down the LL route (with hair colour - the drugs side sort of goes without saying... I hope.)

The film was fantastic in 3D, one of the best uses I've seen of it actually. Although around the same length as the first one it wasn't tedious in the slightest. The reptile creature thing (Sorry, I have no idea what this villain is called, guessing it is actually supposed to be different to the Green Goblin) was great - and its regrowth made everything SO tense because I genuinely was terrified that they could never stop him. *Spoiler alert* They don't and everyone dies.

What do you do with a BA in English?

So my room is packed, my posters are down, the house is spotless (enough) and I'm laying on my bed waiting for my parents, listening to the Avenue Q soundtrack and feeling a little bit philosophical about everything.

Who remembers me a year ago? Yeah, what a dick that girl was. I'm not going to brood on that but those who know and love me will know that my bouncebackability has been fairly outstanding this year. To the point where perhaps I lost a little bit of my sanity and a LOT of my sleep but I've had an amazing year so I'm  definitely not complaining.

I'm feeling in a pretty excellent place right now. The room is only slightly spinning from the remnants of my last ever Jesters hangover. My voice is also slightly gruffer than usual and I'm pretty sure I've worn this tshirt everyday for the last week because I prematurely packed ALL my clothes. I also don't feel sad. I'm slightly heartbroken to leave my housemates; but after the year abroad I know that love knows no boundaries when it comes to distance. As my dad says (all the time, whenever you give him a second to speak), I have a lovely lot of friends and Southampton has been an amazing place to live for the last few years. But ultimately, I feel ready to leave. I'm excited to get back to my life in Essex... my friends from school, an Operatic society that solely raises my spirits (both kinds), not my blood pressure, my church, my family and my boyfriend.

Also on failing miserably to get a job this week, I have actually come to a sort of definite conclusion over what I want to do. Account manager. Ah shit, now I've said it in a blog its suddenly real. It's just not the same when you say it on Twitter or Facebook, they're far too frivolous and overused to be meaningful. But yeah; I think I'd be kick ass at it, and I enjoy things I'm good at so should be a winning combination!

It's weird now to think that I don't have a degree to do. Its a little bit like my life has been on hold for the last four years. Now I can focus on a whole myriad of things and hopefully be awesome at all of them.
These things include:
Getting my grade 8 piano
Learning about Account management
Getting better at Maths/arithmetic
Directing or producing a show
Getting a kick ass job
Saving up to buy a house

Lots of this is very grown up... but I like the idea of being grown up. It's fun because its new. I also need to learn when its has an apostrophe and when it doesn't. Word always seems to know better than me and I don't trust Blogspot to correct me.

Here's to us.


<3

The Farce

So after a few weeks I decided to sit down and watch The Voice.

As a programme I think it's a fantastic concept.  No judgements on look, purely on talent.

Except for the fact that after two minutes the judges know them, and from the very start the audience does too. Oh and the fact everyone who has been picked is already very talented and very attractive, even the "less" attractive ones have been made up too look stunning.

Although - Britain's Got Talent also does away with discrimination, and no one on X Factor over the age of 25 has ever won, because at the end of the day the image that accompanies does matter. So I would imagine by the end of this show the youngest, prettiest competitor will have the prize even if a fat, old ugly guy has a better voice. Proved by the fact that as soon as someone came on singing in a different genre; none of the pop tarts liked him

So what void is this programme filling in our lives?

Pretty much none. Apart from revealing how annoying Jessie J is (is there really any need for you to mouth along with every song? Yes we know you're a singer, you don't have to prove it by knowing some lyrics...). There's also the awful bitchy 'banter' between the judges where they try to prove they're better for the contestant that the others ('We're both girls and we can share shoes' is a personal favourite...).

I don't think the music industry needs to change. I think it is too inherent in everyone's mentality to judge people on their looks and how well they fit the mould. I think TV music competitions are over done and they are same-y. But they're entertaining and in fairness to them - they don't pretend to be something they're not. The Voice stops being The Voice as soon as the person comes on stage. This would work as a radio show maybe because you can't try to create a show based on talent alone unless you really are not going to show the person's face.

Yeah, I don't think I'll be watching much more of this, especially now the sob stories have started. Poor choice BBC.

Also: not enough Willabooby.

It's alright ladies! If your man is talented, it's okay if he beats the crap out of you!

Opinionated? Yes I am.
Particularly bothered about celebrity culture? No, I am not.
Feminist? No.
Care about the examples lead to our women and children? Yes I do.

Rihanna has just completely, probably irreparably, plummeted in my estimations.
It is one thing considering getting back with your boyfriend who beat you so publicly a few years back, but it is a completely different story to actually actively seek him out to make "sweet" music with him.

I am all for forgiveness, I am a very forgiving person and I believe that forgiveness is the key to accepting the situation and moving on with your life. However, there is always a line when it comes to things such as this. Domestic violence, whichever way round it happens, is not acceptable, and nobody, ESPECIALLY not celebrities should EVER make it seem like it is acceptable.

This is, in essence, what Rihanna is doing. I can vaguely understand her reasons for wanting to show rival fans that they are being adult about it; however it seems her main motivation is actually that Chris Brown is 'the hottest R&B artist right now' which basically says that she is putting her fame and success over her principles. And not only her principles, but the effect she will be having on all her young impressionable fans. Yes, forgiveness is noble, but to actively work with that person again just portrays the message that quite frankly, she is a huge mug and doesn't believe he was wrong.

Celebrities have a huge deal of responsibility, and yes I understand they have a lot of pressure put on them, but it is all part of the package and they have to deal with it. I feel the same contempt towards footballers who get paid beyond extortionate amounts of money just to cheat on their wives and spend time with prostitutes. What impression are they leaving for young, budding footballers?
Their lifestyles as well as their talents are plastered in the press, just like other people their actions have consequences. I'm not saying they shouldn't make mistakes but how they make up for those mistakes should be just as important.
Chris Brown is still not even allowed within 9m of Rihanna... So performing together would be interesting.

I think she should be ashamed of herself, for what she is saying for her gender and to her fans. For all those women and men who have been in abusive relationships and survived, I salute you. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to deal with it; but I'm sure you got out with much more dignity and self respect than Rihanna has right now.